the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
