If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Rumble strips road head = magical
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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