Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
