I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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