Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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