I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
