If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
