So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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