I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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