My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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