I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
