Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
