fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
