Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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