I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
