Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
