It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
