I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
