Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
