he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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