we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
