how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im holly from the hills drunk
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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