my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
