Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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