genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
