how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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