my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
