HIV tests are more positive than that guy
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
