Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
