You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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