i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i would punch a child for taco bell
why do cheetos always look like penises
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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