You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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