I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
