I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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