we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
