please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
