I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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