Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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