I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
my poor anus
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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