I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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