If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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