On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
God, I missed his penis.
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