I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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