I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
