Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
