i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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