note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
