I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
