My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
