Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
