don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
