He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
