so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
